This will be the roughest post in this blog. To tell the whole story, I'm just posting all the journals that I wrote from the beginning of the project up till this point. There were a lot of lessons I learned throughout this first period of time. Some are captured through my journals while others might not. So enjoy! And, leave any comments if you like!
04/01/2014
Just started.
04/10/2014
Since I started, there were ups and downs. I tried super hard not to yell. And, I discovered that I can do it up to certain threadhold and that threadshold is not that high either. I also noticed that the Spirit has been prompting me to handle my anger every time I am starting to get mad at Carlo. I just need to choose to listen to the Spirit a lot better. On the upside, I learned from the experiences in the last three days that the reason why Carlo is not motivated when he feels frustrated that he's not listened to. I think I can be better at listening to him. At the same time, I need to figure out a way to help him with his communication skill. Carlo is definitely a thinker and it's not natural for him to try to negotiate with other people and to express his desires. That's a factor that I need to consider too.
Yesterday, I started trying this new thing to have him go to a calming place instead of standing to do a timeout. It's doing ok. But, I need to figure out a way so he doesn't take it as a way of escape.
I also learned that Carlo likes to go with the flow and he doesn't like to put himself harder just because he wants to accomplish certain goal. I guess he's a process-oriented person while I'm a goal-oriented person. For example, he loves Taikwando. But, today, when I asked him if he wants to go this afternoon, he said he doesn't know. I guess he wants to see how much time he has in the afternoon. If he has time to go, that's great. If not, oh well. I need to continue to observe to see if this will help motivate him or will it haunt him later on.
04/14/2014
This is just the first day of Spring Break and it proved to be hard for me. I managed not to yell at Carlo for at least a few days already. But, with Spring Break here, Carlo has a pretty full schedule every day to go play and hang out with friends. This means that my schedule is a mess and I don't get a nap. So, when it approached the end of afternoon today, I was so tired that I lost my patience a little bit with him. I didn't yell loud and I didn't get physical with him, which I was very proud of. But I definitely was not very nice to him. He got a little scared and ducked worrying that I would hit him for a second. I felt so bad. I think I gonna start counting the days again.
04/28/14
Since the beginning of the project, I've yelled at Carlo a lot less. Although at times I still yelled at him, the intensity or frequency of yelling have decreased dramatically. At the same time, I've seen significant changes in him. Now, on good days, he can run his life completely independently. On bad moments, he might need a few warnings and at times a little bit of yelling but he'll stop. Compared to how he did not listen at all regardless what I did, even when I spanked him, this is a HUGE difference. I know that this is because of HF's help and I'm very grateful for it. Now, I still see a little bit of value of yelling at times because it seems to work. But, I have to say that I need to continue to be committed to finish my project. Meanwhile, I need to remind myself that I am in no rush to complete my project. Instead, I need to take my time and enjoy every moment of growth that I've made. Just want to share a scripture.
Romans 5
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also knowing that tribulation worketh patience
4 And patience, experience and experience, hope
5 And hope maketh not ashamed because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
So, patience... patience...patience. 加油！！
4/29/14
This morning was extremely tough. Carlo was playing in his bed and didn't sleep until really late at night so he was very tired in the morning. I almost started with yelling from the get go but thanks to my friend Amanda Ju's posting about the result of the power of words experiment that she conducted at home. It reminded me that through positive words, I can give him more energy. So, I encouraged him. I helped him. We said a prayer together. All of these kind of helped. I was still a little impatient with him in attitude but I REALLY tried hard to remind myself to stay as positive as I can, if not by action, at least by words. He finally got all ready with a lot of resistance. But, at the last minute when we were getting into the car, he dragged and dragged. I finally lost it and yelled at him right by the car. I feel extremely frustrated right now to say the least. Just want to cry. Just hope that this afternoon things will get better.
If you haven't heard about Dr. Masaru Emoto's experience on how positive words can crystalize water, enjoy this video. The result of this experiment truly shake my whole value system.
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